Dear Rainy Boston
I always love coming to Boston, this city has so much music, culture and art. I spent 3 days working on music with some amazing friends at Berklee College of Music & Ilban Music. I also got to reunite with friends in Boston like Koo, Rob, Daniel, Becca and Michael and make MORE music. Medicine to my soul.
I can't wait to share all the music we recorded.
Yesterday was interesting, kind of had a rough start to the night. The car dropped me off a little far from the venue, I ended up lost and stuck in the rain with some intense heels. Luckily I made it to the venue on time, I was relieved to have found it and to be out of the rain. But right when I walked in one of the guys was like "wow, I thought she'd be taller". He said it in a very disgusted tone. I literally had one of those moments where I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I actually hear this all the time. Normally I just brush it off, but I was wet, cold, flustered and nervous about my speech. It definitely did not sit well with me. I started having a mini panic attack. Luckily, I was early, so I had about 30 minutes before the guests showed up to get my head back in the right place.
I was greeted by many kind faces and smiles but it's interesting how the negative always sticks. It's like comments, yes, I read all the comments. I'm always told I should stop but I can't help it. I like to stay connected. There might be a hundred good comments but the bad one still stings the heart. Luckily online comments don't nearly bother me as much anymore. It's the ones in person that are the hardest to swallow.
You have to have thick skin in this industry but at the end of the day, we're all human. I might be smiling at you but I too have feelings, I cry, I feel sad and worthless. Nature of the business but one I'll never get used to.
I'm frustrated at myself that I'm not used to it. I'm frustrated that it still bothers me, I should be stronger and tougher but I'm not. The thing is, I hear it all the time. You look so different in real life, you're so much shorter than I thought. Yes, when we film I stand on an apple box all the time because I'm short. Yes, when we take photos, photographers get on the ground and shoot bottom up because I'm short. It's not a secret I'm short. Honestly, I used to hate being short but I don't mind it anymore. I think it's a height that fits me and works for me. What's wrong with being short? Nothing! But I hate how people comment about it as if I'm such a disappointment. It makes me feel like an ugly zoo animal.
Sometimes it's not even said to my face, I'll be a couple feet away... but I can clearly hear you when you say, she's not even that pretty, she's not that good at singing, she's on some stupid teen show, she's not that talented, I don't even like her but I want to take a picture with her for likes.
I can't even tell you how many times this has happened and how uncomfortable it feels when someone says something like this, then asks me for a picture. I awkwardly say yes and take the photo with them as my soul slowly dies. *sigh* I hate myself for not saying no. I hate myself for not standing up for myself. Sometimes I wish I had a come back or I wish I had the confidence to say something but I signed up for this. I guess I chose to be a zoo animal so I'm not allowed to complain. But honestly this is just a fraction of the things I hear, some of it's really not worth repeating but all of it has the same result. It still makes me want to stop and disappear. I just wish some people had manners and were a little more considerate. It doesn't surprise me when people in the public fall into drugs, addiction, alcohol, depression and suicide. If I didn't have my faith and I didn't have my community, I'd be right there with them.
Didn't mean to take such a dark turn on this post, I guess my venting got a little out of hand. But this is a safe place right?
Anyways, regardless of what happened, I was thankful for my friends, both old and new, and everyone who showed up to support me. Thank you.
It was such a different format from my usual University chats. Definitely terrifying but oddly enough, it worked out. The spot light was blinding and I felt so small on the big stage but being in such an uncomfortable element forced me to really commit and be present. I just kept my speech really honest, maybe too honest. Not as eloquent and graceful as I would have hoped but I'm an actor not a writer or a public speaker, I'm usually better at reciting someone else's writing. But all the laughter was comforting and I really appreciated everyone who told me they connected and related with the talk afterwards.
As much as it scares me, I love these talks because I get a chance to be raw and real - kind of like this blog. Connecting with you guys is really everything.
I'm still shocked I get to do this. Shocked someone wants to actually hear about my life and my story. Even though I feel inadequate I'm happy that sharing my failures and experiences can inspire and bring you hope.
The event ran long so we left around midnight, the roads were empty and glossed over from the rain. Of course we had to stop the car to run out and snap a few photos. Oh how I love these 5 minute photoshoots.
This is me. All 5'3.5 of me. Thanks to my amazing friend Robby for shooting me and making me feel fabulous. To all my fellow short friends out there. You're amazing. Don't let anyone make you feel small. Literally and figuratively.
Don't be scared to walk on a thin line. Just go and take that first step.
Sometimes you have to slow down and enjoy the journey. Life isn't a sprint, it's a marathon.
Don't let anyone stop you from being who you're meant to be.
Your mouth can be a powerful tool, uplifting or poisonous. Be careful with your words. Once they are said they can only be forgiven, never forgotten.
All photography by Robby M
Dress: Milly - Vanessa Cocktail Dress
Shoes: YSL - Slingback Pump
