Invisible.

I’ve experienced racism, discrimination and sexual harassment my entire life. Born and raised in America but never made to feel like I belonged here. Teachers and adults made it clear to me at age 4 that I was different, that I didn’t belong. But culturally I was taught not to complain, not to make waves, to take the abuse and work harder. But silence is not the answer.

I’m done.

I’m done letting those privileged get away with it. It’s not okay that I’ve felt unsafe at school, work, or lived with fear my entire life. It’s not okay that I’ve constantly apologized when I wasn’t the one who should have been apologizing. I could write a book about how many times I have encountered men who said racial/sexual comments and tried to make me feel like it was a compliment or that it was “okay”. Or all those privileged people who took credit for my work because they didn’t expect me to fight back - I didn’t.

I’ve experienced so much sexual harassment at work I’ve left set crying in my car more times than I can count. One day I will tell those stories but today all I ask is you help us. If you’re Asian American, or Asian - get angry with us. If you’re not, please ally with us because we need united voices to fight this battle. These hate crimes need to stop, how many more need to die before people in power really step up and demand a change? I’m tired of being invisible. Being disrespected. Being killed. I’m tired of crying for all those losing their lives because we are so INVISIBLE.

So much of my life I lived with shame because I thought it was my fault I was different. I was brainwashed by the deeply rooted systematic racism I grew up in. But this shame belongs to those who are racist. Help us be visible.

Click on the resources below for more information on how you can be an ally.

#StopAsianHate #StopAAPIHate

• Anti-Asian Violence Resources

• Stop Asian Hate

• Stop AAPI Hate

• Donate

Music, heal my soul

I’ve been spending a lot of time writing music and creating visuals. At first it was for me. Because I wanted to create work I was proud of. Work I connected with and felt challenged by. But as I invested more of my heart, time, money, and energy into the music and the videos. I felt the need for validation.

Is it good? Is it good enough?

Who decides?

Someone told me — “as long as you like it, then it’s enough”.

But is it? We are in a time where we need validation and some even live for validation. It’s not healthy and I’m guilty of it as well. But how do we stop? I thought about quitting social media. But I need it for my job so that’s not an option. I thought about quitting my job but I love performing and I don’t know what else I’d do so that’s not an option either. But when the likes are low or the views are low I feel as if I’ve failed. The disappointment is overwhelming. They say it’s just the algorithm or it’s just too over saturated with content now. But it doesn’t make it better.

I need a different perspective, need to see it from another lens.

If I did my best, it’s enough.

If it makes me happy, it’s enough.

If it brightens the day for one other human being, it’s enough.

If you are reading this, know that you are enough.

Paris Paris Paris

A beautiful city that will truly inspire you. I'm not sure if its the history, the design or just the Parisian air but it's quite the romantic city. Paris makes you want to fall in love or at least be in love. It's also the capital of fashion, I don't know all the reasons but I like to believe it's because it's always been classic & chic. 

This was my first time working with a team in Paris and I had an amazing time shooting this Fashion story. 

Top & pants: Drome 
Mini Bag & Gloves: Azzedine Alaia 
Hat: Laulhere 

This Lou De Betoly dress was stunning. I need this for my next party or just to lounge around in at my house.

A stunning dress or a gown can make you feel glamorous and beautiful but there's just something about a power suit that really makes me feel amazing. Maybe it's because I don't find myself in this type of look very often but this was my favorite look from the entire shoot! Who says a girl can't rock a mans style? 

Oversized jacket: Sadak
Beret: Azzedine Alaia
Earrings: Lanvin

Total look: Off-white
Earrings: Louis Vuitton

Absolutely in LOVE with the dress & bag combo from Off-White. Straight off the runway, fire. 

Top & Pants: Drome
Mini Bag & Gloves: Azzedine Alaia
Hat: Laulhere

Total Look: Azzedine Alaia

Total Look: Off-white

Dress & belt: Azzedine Alaia
Hat: Laulhere

It must be the Parisian Style and team but this is my favorite Fashion Shoot & Video we have shot up to date! Would you agree? 

Give it up for the phenomenal team! 

Photographer: Florian https://www.instagram.com/floriansaez
Sylist: Sarah https://www.instagram.com/sarahcazeneuvestylist
Make up artist: Cyril https://www.instagram.com/cyrillaine
Hair Stylist: Oliver https://www.instagram.com/hairbyolivierlebrun
Hair Assistant: Michael https://www.instagram.com/spraythanh
Video: Eunice https://www.instagram.com/eunibugg
 

It's been a while since I've had a photo shoot. I went back to back from shooting Miss 2059 to the movie Honored so I haven't had a lot of time for photos. But it's always fun to play and shoot. This is an incredibly close up shot of my face. I feel super vulnerable but I kind of like it because it's different. 

This was my first time working with Timothy, love how he shoots! It was super quick and fun. We've been meaning to shoot for a while now. We actually tried shooting in Chicago last year but our schedules didn't work out, so it was great to finally get to work together.

I'm loving this natural clean look by Chloe. I've never seen my face so clean! I feel a little naked without all my moles and beauty marks but I get that it works for the final images.   

It was all very last minute and spontaneous so we had a pretty small team, my friend Caroline helped me style and pick out the looks. She found this oversized sweater and I'm in love with the lace up back. I also love that this look has a boyish feel but the lace skirt makes it girly. I'll always love my sweats but lately, I've been into dresses. 

This is probably my favorite shot out of the bunch. I rarely like photos where I'm looking directly into camera. That always makes me feel uncomfortable, so you'll catch me looking down or away for most of my instagram photos. Maybe because as an actor you're never supposed to look into the lens. I'm definitely more of an actor than a model so looking into the lens always makes me feel like I'm breaking the rules. But here I feel like I actually connected, and not in an awkward way. 

Someone once asked me why we never smile during shoots, honestly... I have no idea and I'm always smiling a bunch but those images never make the cut. I'm not sure why? 

Maybe it's because when we're smiling the attention goes to our face but a lot of these fashion style shoots are to showcase the wardrobe and not the model? I guess I should smile more since we're not really "modeling" the clothing. We're just shooting. *shrug*

Sweater & Lace Skirt: Zara
Boots: Louis Vuitton

Anyways, I'll share more for this shoot later. In the meantime, check out the video below to see what kind of silly things we do on set. We played a game of would you rather and some this or that questions!

Photographer: Timothy Fernandez
Make up & Hair: Chloe Schlossmann
Video: Eunice Lee

I found these candid phone shots my friend Caroline took of me on set. I love that I'm just awkwardly smiling in all of them, of course I included my mean mugging shot on the bottom right because I was looking in the mirror, probably practicing. Pretty different from the final images huh? Photo magic! 

I would be happy if...

"You look so much happier these days."  

I've been hearing this a lot lately. I guess I didn't really notice but I am! 

This year has been filled with so many changes, distancing myself from toxic people, taking better care of my health and body, and feeding my soul. I started making adjustments in my perspective, attitude and expectations as well. I can't pin point the moment it started changing and I definitely can't say what it was exactly because there wasn't an aha moment. But they were all necessary changes and everything had a purpose.

I'm not a naturally happy person, as surprising as that may be. I know I might come off as a happy individual. But that's not my default. It's easier to be sad, at least for me. 

It's easier to feel sorry for yourself and to mope and do nothing. I've done plenty of that in my life. Years and years of it, so I'm guilty. But that's ok! It was definitely a season in my life, many seasons.

A lot of people say I would be happy... if I had a better job, if I had a significant other, if I made more money, if I had kids, etc...

For a long time I thought if I could retire my parents, if I had a husband, if I had kids and if I had a stable career with no financial struggles that I would be happy.  

Someone asked me earlier this year, if I had all those things right now, in this exact moment, would I be happy? Initially I said "of course". But as I thought about it, I realized the truth is, no. All those "ifs" wouldn't make me happy. Sure, I might be more comfortable but it wouldn't bring me happiness. Why? 

For myself, I've come to realize that a lot of those things are ideas of what I thought I needed to have a good life. I needed to be a good daughter, a great wife, an amazing mother because that is what I always defined as success. 

But those are just circumstantial things and they would not have made me happy. Yes, I would have hit the check list. Felt accomplished. Financial burdens and stresses would have been lifted. But the unhappiness would have been momentarily masked and I would have found myself unhappy again. It would have been a temporary bandaid on a much deeper wound. 

I'm currently unemployed as my film wrapped a couple weeks ago and I'm not shooting anymore shows. I'm on a constant hunt to find a new job and my days are filled with constant rejection. Having no job, no financial stability, no spouse, no kids I should probably be very unhappy - and for many many years I was. But I'm not seeking circumstantial happiness anymore. Because you can lose your job at any moment, you can lose your home, your loved ones, your health. Tragedies happen in life every second and I don't want to let circumstances define who I am. 

I don't want to wake up one day having checked everything off the checklist with no memories of how I got there. I'm going to enjoy this time and be happy with who I am regardless of what I have. It's just one chapter of a very long book. Don't be so quick to turn the pages. Enjoy the journey, or at least try to and who knows, you might find happiness before you reach your destination. 

Age Shaming

When I was in grade school I felt small because I was shorter than all the other girls in my class. When I was in high school I felt ugly because I hadn't developed into my body and I looked like a skinny little boy. In college I felt fat because my body was changing. The last few years I felt old because I started to see wrinkles.  

I was never ever happy with who I was. I never felt beautiful. I always wanted to be someone else.  

I think one of my biggest regrets is not loving myself properly as I was growing up. I never would have said the things I said to myself to any other girl, woman or person. Why are we so harsh on ourselves? Y ou're ugly, you're fat, you're disgusting, you don't deserve to be loved, no one will ever love you  ... would you have said this to your younger self? To a child? I know I wish I didn't. Unfortunately, through the years I think it became a habit. 

Self deprecating comments became a part of who I was and it slowly ate away at my soul, my confidence, my life.  

I started blogging earlier this year and then I kind of stopped for a few months. There was a week that I shared about singing the National Anthem, I was really scared and happy. I had accomplished a life long dream. But I saw a comment about my legs being weird (I'm double jointed so they're a bit inverted) and then I saw this comment:

Usually when I see negative comments it's things like: you suck, go kill yourself, stop posting, you're ugly, you'll never make it, you're done.  

I feel like they come from a place of such anger that I just try to brush it off. But this was different. It was true, yes, my age is starting to show. Sure, I could get defensive and say - "Hey I was so nervous I hadn't slept in 3 days or eaten anything for 24 hours, yea I was in bad shape". Or I could also say, "these aren't photoshopped and the images of women you're used to seeing are photoshopped to look younger". But the reality of it is, I AM getting older. I AM starting to show age. This is natural and normal. But why was I so ashamed? Why was I so sad? Why did I want to stop posting, stop writing, stop sharing? 

Society has made Age Shaming such a normal thing. We rarely see a women in her true beauty because everything is so polished and "touched up". It's as if the media fears older women. But this needs to stop. Why do we shame others and ourselves for things we cannot control? In my late 20's was the first time in my life I could look in the mirror without cringing or saying something terrible to myself. I was finally maturing. Learning to love myself and my body the way God created me. Took me a while to get there, shouldn't we be celebrating maturity? 

I dont know what what kind of wrinkle cream or eye cream to use. I don't know how to stay looking young. I guess I'm just starting to learn those things but I don't want to obsess over it. I love seeing a woman who has gracefully aged with wrinkles, silver grey hair and the beauty of time on her face. It's natural and beautiful. 

My my mom used to tell me I wouldn't blossom into a beautiful woman until my mid 30's as she said that was her prime age,  when she was the prettiest. Unfortunately society loves to age shame so much that I haven't even reached that point in my life and I'm already starting to feel old and ugly. But now that I catch myself doing that, I'm going to stop. The only thing I want to fear as I'm getting older is potentially becoming stuck in my ways, stubborn, bitter and not discovering or learning new things. 

My physicality will will always be changing but it doesn't define who I am or change my worth. I want to continue learning, laughing and living with a healthy mindset. Shouldn't growing up be fun and beautiful? 

Disappointment & Friendship

Last week I shared about the disappointment I felt in my life. Since then my inbox, comment section and phone has been filled with so much love and encouragement. There is no doubt that I have love, friendship, family and support in my life, but it also got me thinking... What led me here? 

I noticed so many of you related to my experience and were going through a very similar season. Thank you for sharing your stories as well, it was nice to read other perspectives and learn about your experiences. As I spent the last week reflecting, I realized a few things.

This year has been the start of my journey in taking care of myself. I've been working since I was young, paid my way through University and was always taking care of everyone else. It was hard but I didn't mind it. I felt like I had a mission and a purpose. I'm glad I had to work hard and fight to survive, of course there were many days I wished I had a rich family or I wished someone could take care of me but having to work and take care of myself made me strong and resilient. Unfortunately, it also caused me to burn out. I was constantly trying to make everyone else happy. Wanting to serve others, to earn love and make my parents proud. I was too prideful to ask for help when I needed it and I thought I could just tough it out. 

So when I needed care it wasn't really there. And the people I expected it from didn't notice or disappeared. Which led me to feel disappointed. But why did I expect anything in the first place?

I guess it comes down to how I define friendship. Some people define friendship as a companion, someone who is just around. But I've come to realize that I have a very different definition of what being a friend means.

I guess this is where I might have been in the wrong. I have always thought a friend as more than a companion. Someone to love and care for, share experiences both good and bad. Friends should respect one another, be honest, encourage and cheer each other on in this crazy journey of life. 

But during the most difficult points in my life, I learned I had a handful of friends who were only takers. When I was at my lowest points with little or nothing to give, they were gone. Whenever I was back on my feet they were back to take. 

As I started seeing the pattern through the ups and downs of my life during the last few years the true colors of some of these friends were revealed, it broke my heart. Some friendships that lasted almost a decade. Gone. Friends I had loved on and cared for years and years. Gone. I felt betrayed, used and beyond disappointed. 

But maybe these friends were never meant to give me anything other than companionship during my good seasons. Through some of those friendships I learned to love, care and most importantly, I learned to forgive. They say we should love without expecting anything in return and I failed. I expected the same amount of love and care. I expected them to return what I had given.

So now I'm trying not to be disappointed and I'm trying to move on. I don't want to be angry or hurt anymore. We have different friends for different reasons and we can't expect all our friends to have the same exact values and character. This year I've been blessed with friends I didn't expect to love on me so much, step up and show me love I could not imagine. I may even disappoint those friends one day by not loving them in return as much as they have loved me. 

I guess this is the first time in a long time that I'm at peace with these distanced friendships. 

Almost feels like a breakup. I feel like I went through the 5 stages of grief... denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It's hard when you break up with friends but like I said, different friends for different seasons. This separation has also allowed room for new friends.  

I've also been reminded that you can't earn love and you shouldn't try to earn love. Just love with no expectation and unconditionally because you are loved. 

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2:8-9

Humbled.

I shared something I wasn't planning on sharing. I hate showing weakness. I hate asking for help. I'm prideful and I'm stubborn. But sometimes it's in our weakest moments we learn the most. 

I didn't expect many of you to actually watch it, I figured most would click away because it was boring. I figured I would receive more criticism than love. I figured I would regret sharing it as well. 

But I am humbled. 

My assumptions were wrong. I was showered with love, encouragement, prayers and wisdom. I was reminded of so much goodness. I couldn't even keep up with the comments and messages. I wish I had the capacity to reply back to each and every single one of you. I really can't say thank you enough, especially for the prayers and the bible verses. 

I trust that God is leading my life in the way it's supposed to go. I'm so thankful I have such a big family and a community of love, one I could have never imagined. 

"The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." Psalm 23

This is the video I shared yesterday.

August 30 2017

Throwback Thursday To Vintage Dreaming

Remember that vintage shoot I had in New York? I still haven't had a chance to upload all the photos and share them with you. This was my absolute favorite look from the entire shoot. Kaitlyn is amazing, the whole vibe and energy of the shoot was so much fun. I think she sent me about 60+ photos from this look alone. I've narrowed it down to my favorites. 

I love all the colors and textures of this shoot. It's amazing what set design can do to change the environment and feel of a shoot. 

Will be sharing more photos from this shoot... stay tuned! 

Photographer: Kaitlyn Mikayla
Stylists: Ryan & Mandi of Hill People
Hair: Goldy Ilowitz
Makeup: Michelle Singh

Dreaming Vintage

The weekends seem to be shorter and shorter. It's already Monday and I feel like time is slipping through my fingers. Can you believe we're already half way through the year?  

These days I feel like I'm definitely doing a lot of waiting. Waiting for good news or the right phone call. The business of acting is really the waiting game, before you book the job and even when you book the job. There's a fairly common phrase that I find to be very true in this line of work -- We're paid to wait, we throw the acting in for free. Luckily, this year has been pretty consistent with work, just not the show I want to "live on" or the film that really excites me. So the waiting continues.

Despite my somber face, I was having a lot of fun at this shoot. I love vintage trinkets and vintage clothes, I feel like they're not just things, vintage pieces have a story. 

I wonder what pieces from 2017 will end up being vintage to those in the future? Who knew "mom jeans" from the 90's would make such a strong comeback. I personally love them. I was never a fan of the ultra low waisted jeans. 

Here I am dreaming, as usual, about food. The other day I was going to lunch - very excited - and as my friend and I were walking in I was already planning out what we should eat for dinner. He pointed out how weird that was of me, I guess I've always thought that was normal. You guys don't do that? I'm pretty sure the most exciting thing for me every morning is - what am I going to eat today?!

I'll be sharing more photos from this shoot but incase you missed it, here's the behind the scenes shot by my lovely friend Eunice Lee.

Photographer: Kaitlyn Mikayla
Stylists: Ryan & Mandi of Hill People
Hair: Goldy Ilowitz
Makeup: Michelle Singh

Singing the National Anthem

Two days ago I did something that's been on my bucket list for many many years. I honestly never dreamed I would ever have the confidence to actually do it. Even on game day I didn't feel confident but I had people in my life encouraging me and supporting me from beginning to end. I also had all of YOU cheering me on. Thanks for believing in me. 

So happy Eunice & Andii were able to film and capture the day so I could bring all of you guys with me! I feel like this video completely captures the day and I know my parents and loved ones wanted to be there so I'm thrilled to share this video with all of you! 

Right before soundcheck, getting all the tips and breakdown of the night. I kind of love how ridiculous I look in these shots, this is how I was feeling all day. 

There's a huge delay with sound on baseball fields because of the size of the stadium so they gave me in ear monitors to help with sound and feedback. It was my first time singing on an open field so I was pretty nervous about how the feedback would affect me. I sang the Korean anthem first and it was a little harder not to be affected by the feedback because I was singing a cappella. 

Oh man. This was right before I had to sing. I couldn't stop shaking, for two reasons. One because I was deathly nervous and two because I was freezing cold! 

Being able to sing both anthems made me feel really proud, not only to be American but also to be Korean. 

You may not believe this but when I'm here in America, there are still instances that people make me feel like I don't belong in this country because I don't look American. But what does it mean to be American? I was born in Texas, I am a citizen of the United States, I relate to this Country and I speak the English language. But most of my life I have been looked at as a foreigner because of the color of my skin. Wow you're really good at English. No, I mean where are you REALLY from? These are common phrases I've heard my entire life. This lead me to really grasp onto my Korean roots during my college years. So I also relate with South Korea, the Korean culture and I speak the language. But when I go to Korea, they still say I'm not Korean because I was born in America. There is so much division and judgement in this world and I hope there is a day we can all just look at each other as people, as a family. End of the day we're all just doing our best to survive in this world. 

This month is Asian Pacific American Heritage Month and I've been having a lot of conversations about what it means to be Asian American. APAHM celebrates the culture, traditions, and history of Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders in the United States. I love celebrating all the different Asian cultures and learning about new traditions every year. But there is still a lot of division amongst the Asian community due to history and pain. But I hope this community continues to grow and truly unites. Asians and Asian Americans need to work together to have a stronger presence in America. We have to all be on the same page to be seen as more than the silent minority or the model minority. I've been told to keep my head down, work hard, never complain and never rock the boat. Culturally it was what my family believed, if you complain and cause problems it only causes more problems for others. But it excites me to see people speaking out and really starting to give us a voice. I hope more people in the world realize that being American comes in all different colors, shapes and sizes.

I'm proud to be an American and I'm also proud to be Korean. 

Photos by Park

Fear

Not a lot of people know this but I have a pretty big fear of singing in public. The thought of it makes me dizzy and nauseous. My heart races and I start shaking even when I'm just thinking about it. 

When I was in college, some friends threw me up on stage for a karaoke contest. I completely froze, no sound came out of my mouth and I was humiliated. After that experience, I swore I would never try to sing in public again.

This didn't last long, I love singing too much. 

The next year I ended up singing on stage for a pageant. I got on stage, started singing and I was so nervous I completely spaced out. I came back to people clapping. I guess due to muscle memory I made it through the song but to this day I don't remember singing a single word. I got off stage and the first thing I asked was - did I sing the whole song? Apparently I did. 

I'm sure you're thinking this is weird because since then I've had concerts, shows and I sing at church. To clarify, I don't get as nervous singing at church, I think it's because it's not about me and we're all singing together. But I get really nervous for my concerts. I always think it'll get better with more experience but it still freaks me out and I'm panicking for weeks up until each show. The nerves never seem to go away. I love singing so much but I don't do it often because of fear, I wish I wasn't so scared. When people sing along to my songs or I see big smiling faces it calms my nerves but I think the initial fear and anxiety will always be there.

The last few years I've been asked to sing the National Anthem at Basketball and Baseball games but I've always said no because I'm afraid. Afraid I'll freeze up and choke. Afraid I'll get affected by feedback or the environment and be pitchy. Afraid I'll be too nervous and forget the lyrics.  Basically, just afraid I'll suck.  

But this year I'm trying to say yes more and do things that scare me. 

I want to overcome my insecurities & fears. Even if it means trying and failing.  

So I finally said yes. I'm singing the National Anthem for the first time at the Dodgers game tomorrow! I'm also singing the Korean Anthem as well. Two firsts in one night. My stomach is churning even as I'm writing this post and I already feel like I want to puke but I guess I have to start somewhere. I've considered backing out. But I shared it on social media instead, almost feels like it's keeping me accountable. It's too late to back out and no running away. I have to do it! I'm terrified but I really want to accomplish this, especially because I love to sing, I don't want to be afraid forever. Anyways, I'll let you know if I survive... wish me luck. 

May love be greater than fear. 

Late Night Shoot in NYC

Did a late night shoot in New York after my Leonard & Church event a couple weeks ago. Here are some of the shots as well as the behind the scenes video!

I'm loving this slicked back hair and cobalt blue shadow. So dramatic! I rarely wear bold colors on my eyes in real life but I really like it for photoshoots. Would you guys rock this blue?  

Top Manfredonia NY
Jacket Nicholas K

This Levi’s denim jumpsuit was one of my favorite pieces! I could live in all kinds of jumpsuits. 

This matching two piece from Nicholas K was also a really cute outfit. I love how it's so light and simple, I just wish it didn't wrinkle so easily! 

I really love the lips on this last clean beauty look! This is a fairly easy beauty trend to try, I've been mixing a lot of different lip colors for two toned lips & ombre lips! Do you guys like this trend?
Black top Clavin Klein
Earings H&M

Photographer: Matt Brown 
Stylist: Shay Dixon
Make Up & Hair: Abraham Sprinkle
BTS: Eunice Lee
 

Weekend Getaway Outfit Ideas!

Spruce up your casual denim and tee look with two toned jeans and a colorful backpack!

I'm obsessed with these jeans. I've worn them so much the last few months. It's definitely one of my new favorite trends this year. It easy to style and makes a simple outfit interesting. Not to mention they're super comfortable because they're not that tight. I'm starting to really hate skinny jeans.  

Honestly, I can't wear jeans unless I can sit in them comfortably. I really don't understand how people wear ultra tight skinny jeans. Once again I'm reminded of Beauty is pain - I hate that phrase. When I'm going on vacation I generally only pack sneakers and flats, comfort is my best friend.

Of course I can't leave the house without my Leonard & Church (fyi we might be discontinuing this style, The Park, very soon).

I love this off the shoulder ruffle top I got last year. It's perfect for avoiding those shoulder tan lines! And easy for mixing and matching!

This linen button down is my favorite, I wear it with everything! This is also the same linen button down I threw over the baby tee and jeans (pictured above).

This slip dress is really comfortable and also a great cover up over swimwear if you're headed to the beach. I styled it very casual but you can also throw on some heels and dress it up for the evening!

Look at Chewy photobombing me as usual... 

Maxi dresses are the best, they're comfortable and easy to pack. I really like that this one's fitted at the waist and gives me some shape but it's still light weight and soft. Perfect for vacations, beach or just relaxing! Dresses are great for trips because they're no brainers and comfortable. You just put it on and you're done! No need to "match" a top and bottom, who wants to be thinking during a time you should be relaxing? Not me! 

Always.. every shoot. I must stop to cuddle with Chew chew... 

Karen came out to shoot some photos and hang as well, we joked that it almost looks like an engagement shoot... too funny. 

This is my girl Eunice! She has been amazing in helping me keep up with most of the video content on my youtube channel the last couple months! Make sure to follow her and show her some love! 

Here's a video of all the looks, enjoy!

Cheers! Enjoy the weekend!

Photography by: Robby M
BTS Video by: Eunice Lee

Off the Shoulders Ruffle Top: Nicholas 
Beach Bag: Soeur Du Maroc
Sandals: Soludos
White Linen Top: Equipment
Stripped Dress: Equipment
Printed Maxi Dress: Forever 21 (sold out, here's something similar)
Two Toned Jeans: AG Phoebe
White Graphic Shirt: Forever 21 (sold out, here's something similar)
White Sneakers: Adidas
Red Watch: Leonard & Church
Red BackPack: Vince Camuto
Floral Dress: Alice & Olivia 

I hit 2 million on instagram today...

I know in real life, instagram and following doesn't matter. If I wasn't an actor and if we didn't have to represent our brand, I probably wouldn't even use instagram or social media. I'm generally more of a private person.  

But these days, being an actor means you have to do it all. You have to "upkeep" your brand and market yourself. I feel this pressure even more because I'm a minority, we are constantly having to prove our worth and value. I've lost movie jobs after being pinned as their first acting choice because I didn't have enough of a social media following. My agent will tell me, well so and so has 10 million followers, this is her first movie but she has clout, *shrug*. You would think the most important factor would be your acting ability but most often it isn't. The things you think wouldn't matter often affect the decision making process - at least in my experience. But I get it, a lot of the people making the decisions are just trying to make smart investments. Simply put if an opportunity comes down to me and another actress who happens to be Caucasian, it will most likely go her way. Because she is more "marketable", most of America is "white", or so they say. 

So I consider every single person who follows me on my socials or subscribes to my YouTube channel to be an important part of the journey. YOU are all part of the team and I wouldn't be where I'm at without you. Thank you. 

Still can't believe 2 million people care about little ol' me... 

August 2017 will mark my 10th year in tinsel town. Who knew I'd move here and end up sticking around this long? Los Angeles, the city of dreams and many broken souls. This business is quite the grind and despite the challenges, I'm in it for the long haul. 

Some of you might say, what's the big deal? It's just instagram. And you're right, I'm surprised I'm even excited. I didn't really care up until this point. Honestly, the reality is, I have friends who have way bigger followings and I'm auditioning with girls who have 20 million + fans. I'm a small fish, essentially a nobody, who doesn't stand a chance. I even wrote a post a month ago about how irrelevant I am, which is still the case. But sometimes it's better not to compare yourself to others and just be thankful for what you have. Bottom line is, I moved to Los Angeles with a dream and no followers. I never would have imagined 10 years later, 2 million people would be following my career. For that, I'm forever thankful and satisfied.

I love you guys, thank you, especially the CHOsens who have stuck around. 

Jumping Around

Whenever I try to take a photo of Chewy she looks away but anytime someone is taking a photo of me, she needs to be right in front of me to get in the shot. It's hilarious. Especially when I'm at home self taping an audition or filming a video, she'll walk right into frame. Silly girl. 

Yes dear?

I believe I was like "please move Chewy, mommy is trying to shoot some jumping photos". 

"Oh yea? Look at meeee, I can jump!" - Chewy 

We shot a couple snaps but then I ended up just playing with Chewy. 

Here's one attempt. Looks like I'm getting beat up by some unknown force. 

This is me trying to fly and regretting all the pizza I ate. 

Trying to sit cross legged in the air isn't an easy task. 

Also, these were not photoshopped to make it look like I was jumping higher than I actually was. Key to jumping photos? Ask your photographer, nicely, to get as low as he or she can! All about the angle baby! 

Photo Credit: Robby M

Stop and smell the flowers

My friends call me a workaholic, but I like being busy. I feel restless when I'm not productive or stagnant. Sometimes I get so caught up, I forget how important it is to rest and recharge. I actually got pretty sick this last week and almost hit a point of burning out. We're definitely not meant to work 24/7... it's just not healthy.

I've been so busy I haven't even had time to share all the photos we shot over a month ago when my friends Daniel & Rob visited California. We spent a day in Hermosa Beach and I shot a quick video (sharing soon) and some photos.

Daniel aka the violin master snapped a few photos of me with Robby's camera, not bad! My friends are so talented. I'm always impressed and challenged to do better by my multi-talented friends. But I also feel like these days, if you're in the business of the arts. You have to be flexible and be willing to learn every part of the business to survive. So many of my friends who are talented film makers, editors, photographers are also talented musicians and actors.

Being an artist is hard, there's little to no structure, you're often waiting for opportunities and doing a lot of free work. But it's really amazing to look back at the last 10 years and see how much the internet has changed the game. New media and social media has helped people create their own opportunities. I was always a little slow to catch on but I'm doing my best now and learning as I go.

It's quite the grind but we do it because we love it, right?

So with all the pressure of having to do it all, how do we keep up? These days I feel like I barely have time to sleep trying to upkeep my youtube channel, this blog, auditions, filming, recording music, Leonard & Church and social media. Who knew social media would become such a big part of the job. I remember just a few years ago when I refused to start instagram because I thought Facebook and Twitter alone were hard enough to manage.

If you've been following this blog from the beginning you know I attempted a crazy task. I thought I would be able to blog every day. I don't regret trying but I'm glad I let go of that goal. I think maybe once a week is a bit more reasonable. 

I also think as much as I want to do it all. Balance is crucial, I really need to remember to take breaks and recharge.

It's nice to be home, spend some time with my friends and reflect on life. If you just work nonstop, one day you'll be done and you won't even remember how you got there. That's often how I feel about my time on Teen Wolf. It was just so many hours, nonstop filming and it all happened so fast. Honestly, when it ended, I didn't even realize it had been a few years. It felt like I had just started filming the show. I wish that I had taken moments to really reflect on the experiences and enjoyed the experience while it was happening. I feel like that's also what happened to me in college, I was in such a rush to get out and so stressed with all the school work that by the time I left, there wasn't much I remembered from my college life. I was never in the moment.

That's probably my only regret.

But these days I'm actively trying to be very present and in the moment. Instead of just thinking of all the things I need to do or going through the motions of life. This blog has actually been very helpful, it's like a diary that helps me process my thoughts and appreciate the day to day.

I've been a part of my worship band at church for the last 9 years. It's kind of one of the few things that no matter how tired I am, I love to do. It refuels my soul and gets me right back on my feet when I'm feeling exhausted. Last night we were jamming, preparing for Sunday worship and even though it was just a few hours it helped me recharge.

So no matter how busy you are, find something that helps you refuel. We're a little more complicated than machines, we need more than just sleep and food to keep going. I know I need my community, friends, encouragement, love, time alone and my relationship with God. Figure out what it is you need to have balance.

Don't rush through life, regardless of how stressful and difficult your life may be. Enjoy the experiences both good and bad because it's just a chapter or a season of your life and it'll pass before you know it.

I know it sounds cheesy but stop and smell the flowers every once in a while and remember just how amazing and beautiful this life is. I've been noticing the flowers blooming when I'm walking Chewy and it's nice to take a moment just to say thanks for even a simple flower that smells nice.

Photography by Robby M & Daniel Jang

Dear Rainy Boston

I always love coming to Boston, this city has so much music, culture and art. I spent 3 days working on music with some amazing friends at Berklee College of Music & Ilban Music. I also got to reunite with friends in Boston like Koo, Rob, Daniel, Becca and Michael and make MORE music. Medicine to my soul. 

I can't wait to share all the music we recorded. 

Yesterday was interesting, kind of had a rough start to the night. The car dropped me off a little far from the venue, I ended up lost and stuck in the rain with some intense heels. Luckily I made it to the venue on time, I was relieved to have found it and to be out of the rain. But right when I walked in one of the guys was like "wow, I thought she'd be taller". He said it in a very disgusted tone. I literally had one of those moments where I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I actually hear this all the time. Normally I just brush it off, but I was wet, cold, flustered and nervous about my speech. It definitely did not sit well with me. I started having a mini panic attack. Luckily, I was early, so I had about 30 minutes before the guests showed up to get my head back in the right place. 

I was greeted by many kind faces and smiles but it's interesting how the negative always sticks. It's like comments, yes, I read all the comments. I'm always told I should stop but I can't help it. I like to stay connected. There might be a hundred good comments but the bad one still stings the heart. Luckily online comments don't nearly bother me as much anymore. It's the ones in person that are the hardest to swallow. 

You have to have thick skin in this industry but at the end of the day, we're all human. I might be smiling at you but I too have feelings, I cry, I feel sad and worthless. Nature of the business but one I'll never get used to.

I'm frustrated at myself that I'm not used to it. I'm frustrated that it still bothers me, I should be stronger and tougher but I'm not. The thing is, I hear it all the time. You look so different in real life, you're so much shorter than I thought. Yes, when we film I stand on an apple box all the time because I'm short. Yes, when we take photos, photographers get on the ground and shoot bottom up because I'm short. It's not a secret I'm short. Honestly, I used to hate being short but I don't mind it anymore. I think it's a height that fits me and works for me. What's wrong with being short? Nothing! But I hate how people comment about it as if I'm such a disappointment. It makes me feel like an ugly zoo animal. 

Sometimes it's not even said to my face, I'll be a couple feet away... but I can clearly hear you when you say, she's not even that pretty, she's not that good at singing, she's on some stupid teen show, she's not that talented, I don't even like her but I want to take a picture with her for likes. 

I can't even tell you how many times this has happened and how uncomfortable it feels when someone says something like this, then asks me for a picture. I awkwardly say yes and take the photo with them as my soul slowly dies. *sigh* I hate myself for not saying no. I hate myself for not standing up for myself. Sometimes I wish I had a come back or I wish I had the confidence to say something but I signed up for this. I guess I chose to be a zoo animal so I'm not allowed to complain. But honestly this is just a fraction of the things I hear, some of it's really not worth repeating but all of it has the same result. It still makes me want to stop and disappear. I just wish some people had manners and were a little more considerate. It doesn't surprise me when people in the public fall into drugs, addiction, alcohol, depression and suicide. If I didn't have my faith and I didn't have my community, I'd be right there with them. 

Didn't mean to take such a dark turn on this post, I guess my venting got a little out of hand. But this is a safe place right? 

Anyways, regardless of what happened, I was thankful for my friends, both old and new, and everyone who showed up to support me. Thank you. 

It was such a different format from my usual University chats. Definitely terrifying but oddly enough, it worked out. The spot light was blinding and I felt so small on the big stage but being in such an uncomfortable element forced me to really commit and be present. I just kept my speech really honest, maybe too honest. Not as eloquent and graceful as I would have hoped but I'm an actor not a writer or a public speaker, I'm usually better at reciting someone else's writing. But all the laughter was comforting and I really appreciated everyone who told me they connected and related with the talk afterwards. 

As much as it scares me, I love these talks because I get a chance to be raw and real - kind of like this blog. Connecting with you guys is really everything. 

I'm still shocked I get to do this. Shocked someone wants to actually hear about my life and my story. Even though I feel inadequate I'm happy that sharing my failures and experiences can inspire and bring you hope. 

The event ran long so we left around midnight, the roads were empty and glossed over from the rain. Of course we had to stop the car to run out and snap a few photos. Oh how I love these 5 minute photoshoots.

This is me. All 5'3.5 of me. Thanks to my amazing friend Robby for shooting me and making me feel fabulous. To all my fellow short friends out there. You're amazing. Don't let anyone make you feel small. Literally and figuratively. 

Don't be scared to walk on a thin line. Just go and take that first step.

Sometimes you have to slow down and enjoy the journey. Life isn't a sprint, it's a marathon.

Don't let anyone stop you from being who you're meant to be. 

Your mouth can be a powerful tool, uplifting or poisonous. Be careful with your words. Once they are said they can only be forgiven, never forgotten.

All photography by Robby M
Dress: Milly - Vanessa Cocktail Dress
Shoes: YSL - Slingback Pump

Better to try and fail than to never try at all

I guess it was ambitious to think I'd be able to blog every day. I went strong for almost 2 months. I was devastated I missed a post. But I was so exhausted I just couldn't write anything. I opened my computer and fell asleep before typing anything out. 

But missing one post was dangerous, I missed one and then another and then another. Subconsciously I had been so consistent because I didn't want to "break" the record but once I did, it was like it all spiraled down hill. It's almost like "working out", I'm always really good for a few weeks, then I miss one day and a week will pass with no trips to the gym. Then I'm basically starting all over.

Does this ever happen to you? 

It happens to me quite often but I think that's okay, some might consider it failing but at least I tried. No one's perfect. Better to blog and go to the gym for three weeks and take a break than to never do it at all, right?

I'm currently in Boston, I've been recording music and working on some covers for you guys. I love music so much, it's nice to be back in the studio.  But I really miss home. I miss Chewy, maybe it's this cold rainy weather but I feel extra home sick. 

I've also been quite preoccupied because I'm speaking at Boston University tomorrow. I've rewritten my speech about 17 times. I don't know why but I'm so nervous. I frequently have 1-2 hour talks at Universities but they're generally a very casual format, moderated and a lot of q&a's. But tomorrow's event is formal, an open stage and just me for 20-30 minutes. *panic* I also have to wear a dress and heels. *gasp* Basically everything's out of my comfort zone.   

Anyways, I'll let you know how it goes. I should probably be sleeping or rewriting my speech for the 18th time, it's already 1am. Goodnight. 

Photography by Robby M

Wish me luck and please pray it goes well. Thank you.  

Wandering New York

Literally feel like I laughed my face off last night. Sometimes you just need a random night to wander New York City with your friends to get your mind off work & stress. 

We had a little too much fun on the subway. If you follow my instagram you saw all the stories and boomerangs. And of course, Alex flexing his photography skills again. 

Maia, you're just the absolute cutest. I'm still laughing. Last night was just too silly. 

I'm in New York a few times a year but this is one of the first times I've hung out in the city with friends from out of town. Usually my friends from New York will take me around. This time Alex and Maia basically took the lead! Incase you didn't know, they're from Michigan. We usually only hang out in Los Angeles but coincidentally we all happened to have work in New York this week. 

This was basically the last moment we used our phones. We uploaded our boomerangs and put away the cameras and phones for the rest of the evening. Sometimes you just need to disconnect and be in the moment! 

We're all busy so I'm really happy the timing worked out. We checked out a new restaurant, walked around the city, discovered a cool lounge and even watched a live 90's concert! Total throwback. I've been singing Britney all day. 

Life is all about balance. These two train so hard and are incredibly disciplined with their lifestyle and diet. They're model athletes to the core. But they still have a great sense of humor, don't take themselves too seriously and know how to enjoy life. I'm jealous of their fit bodies, but I'm also glad they're down to have cheat meals with me. They're amazing so make sure to follow both Maia & Alex on their socials and subscribe to their ShibSibs channel to stay updated! Big year for them, Olympics are just around the corner!

Photography by Alex Shibutani